Bad Ass'

Bear Grylls, Ray Mears, Michael Palin, David Attenborough, Ranulph Fiennes and Bruch Parry; they all have two things in common.

Firstly, they’re all widely respected T.V. personalities specialising in nature and the outdoor ways of life.

Secondly, they’re all absolute pussies compared to me when it comes to dealing with amphibian corpses.

Grylls may have climbed Everest and Mears might know his way around a forest or two, but have they ever had to use an old spatula to scrape up a frog’s innards from the front patio? I think not.

Where has this sudden desire to dispose of slippery roadkill come from? It’s simply not me; the thought of a small spider scurrying around my feet is usually enough to send me schizo. Am I finally growing up into, dare I say it, a ‘man’? Or am I just becoming more bad ass’ as the years wear on; by my 30^th birthday will I be dwelling in a cave and hunting bison with my bare hands? This is, as you will agree, a distinct possibility.

HOLD IT, hold it right there; I may be getting ahead of myself. I’m not quite Dog the Bounty Hunter yet, considering I’m sitting here watching This Morning and eating cake, whilst simultaneously trying to be constructive. So far, this is a work in progress, which is much, much more of a distinct possibility than me maturing into a normal human being of some denomination.

Talking of manliness, a report released recently by the Massachusetts Institute of Technology suggests that, contrary to popular belief, men are usually the first in a relationship to say the three big words (‘I love you’, not ‘cook me dinner’ or ‘I hate housework’ you bunch of dirty chauvinists).  Is this, in most cases, a genuine outburst, do most men mean what they say in this respect? Are we moving away from the rugged examples set by Mr. Grylls and co.?

I’m not quite certain, and it’s difficult to judge this unless on an individual case by case basis; generalising would be useless. However, one thing is for certain: scraping up a frog’s deflated carcass doesn’t make me any more of a man. Especially when you continue to enjoy watching Sex and the City on a bi-weekly basis with copies of Heat magazine collecting around your ankles...

Much love,

G