As I stumbled groggily downstairs this morning, dodging a Jenga style pile of washing near the bottom step, I adhered to tradition and jabbed at the kettle like a comatose Joe Calzaghe till it miraculously turned on. Piping hot filter coffee to me is the equivalent of a Bargain Bucket of crack cocaine to Pete Doherty- slightly enlivening and a real necessity in those first few difficult minutes of being awake.
The looming spectre of today’s Daily Mail is perched on the kitchen table and, as the kettle still hasn’t boiled and I don’t fancy ice cold Nescafe, I meander over to see what amusingly middle-England propaganda it’s produced today. A Romanian asylum seeker who enjoys eating small children and closing down village post offices? ALAS, NO! The following greets me: FREE packet of spring onion seeds for every reader!
The rapid decline of decent complementary gifts is staggering. My girlfriend recently noticed on a Kinder Surprise advert, that the infamously poor, probably poisonous plastic toys are all laid out on a table by some squeaky clean and cocoa-addicted little child. There is no SURPRRRIIISE, if the said surprise is shown to one and all on the advert. Not that the ‘gift’ was ever much of a pleasant revelation in the first place; you’re almost always going to end up with a faulty giraffe that falls apart and reeks of polythene.
One of the best free promotions I can remember has to be from Walkers crisps. Opening a packet of cheese & onion to be greeted by a £20 note, or even a free voucher in a bag of smoky bacon flavour, pushes my buttons a bit more than growing something in my garden which I can buy for pennies in a supermarket. Perhaps this is because I haven’t yet discovered the joys of gardening and cultivation; or maybe it’s due to the fact cold hard cash trumps muddy vegetables in your shed every single time. Even better, if you’re in the privileged yet very paranoid position of having an MRI machine at hand, you can employ it for crisps-searching purposes like the guys in Green Wing: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mkinruG0hbk
The kettle is now steaming like a bubble bath and, urgently requiring my caffeine kick, I indulge in one last disdainful look at the Daily Mail headline. Free spring onion seeds, or cheese & onion with an opportunity to win money? No contest bambinos.
Peace and love to my posse,
George Charles Young Esq.
P.S. I do actually enjoy the Daily Mail, but its attempts to pander towards a panicky middle-class English population occasionally take the proverbial biscuit.
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